BLENDING FACTORS

 

BLENDING FACTORS

                                                               

What is Blending?                                                                                

1.      To mix together thoroughly, (especially) so that the different parts put together can no longer be separated.

2.      To produce a mixture out of several varieties.

3.      To produce a pleasing mixture from various ingredients

4.       To harmonize (various ingredients becoming inseperable)

 

All the above are dictionary meaning of blending and each one of them is very relevant.

 

The Lord God said in Gen. 2:24 "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife"

 

The ultimate will of God is for the couple to become one flesh. This cannot just happen by accident - several "varieties" (ingredients) must be put together to produce "one mixture" that has a pleasing effect! This is when Gen. 2: 24 - 25 becomes real in the couple's life - both naked and not ashamed"

 

Marriage can be wonderful, pleasant, blissful and enjoyable. It can also be frustrating, sorrowful and burdensome depending on the attitude of the couple. We shall consider the following ingredients which will help serious and committed couples to blend.

 

1.         Leaving (Gen 2: 24) "Therefore shall a man, leave his father and mother". Why should              he be matured and independent? He is expected to be responsible at this stage of his life.

                                                                                                            There are three types of leaving                         ,

                     i.            Physical Leaving - Moving out of one's father's house and living in one's apartment. Why is this necessary? To avoid interference, to enable the couple to understand themselves and to allow them to build their home together, independent of a third party. In the early years of marriage, it is preferable for the couple to be alone. If possible, dependants should be kept away at this time

                   ii.            Emotional Leaving:- This is a situation where the couple is completely detached from their parent's apron. There are times when the couple have physically detached, but they still depend on their parents for directions on what to do, how to do them and when to do them. When there is emotional leaving, decision making will be independent of parents, such decision will be the joint responsibility of the couple.

                  iii.            Financial Leaving (Independence) An adage says whoever pays the piper dictates the tune. At this stage if the couple still rely solely on their parent's financial support, they have no choice but to surrender their freedom to such parent

 

If this principle of "leaving" is brushed aside the couple can not cleave, neither can  they become one flesh, therefore there can be no blending. There will be fighting, bitterness, interference, lack of trust and other problems that can make the home to break.

2.  Maturity: Maturity is implied in Gen. 2:24 when it talked about a "man leaving is father and mother"

 

A man is an adult, someone that could be held responsible for his own actions and inactions. He is expected to be principled and responsible. Paul said in 1 Cor. 13: 11. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. Maturity is an important factor in the blending of two people who are coming together to become one. Th at is why God's word is so specific about who should marry. MARRIAGE is FOR MEN AND WOMEN, NOT for BOYS/GIRLS.

 

Age may be part of the factors determining maturity but it is not the only thing. There are some who by their age, one would expect them to have matured but they are still childish and irresponsible. They find it difficult to cope with marital life because they are ill-prepared for it. A matured man uses God's wisdom to handle his wife, I Peter 3:7. A matured woman also uses God's wisdom to build her home Prov. 14:1.   Matured people keep their emotion under the control of the Holy Spirit. Proverb 25:28

 

Spiritual maturity affects the physical and the emotion positively. It helps in their relationship with each other. The importance of obedience to the word of God and prayer cannot be over-emphasized. Couples should learn to study the word of God and pray together. A family that prays together stays together. Many of their problems are solved in these wonderful moments of holding to the word and prayer. Loving God helps to love ourselves!

 

3. Communication - Communication is the bedrock of marriage. It is a factor that affects all the other factors, Effective communication is inevitable in Marriage. Communication can be through words or actions. There are positive and negative (1 Cor. 15:33- evil) communication. Here are some of the things the bible says about positive communication.

"Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones" Prov. 16:24.

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver" Prov.25:11; 12:14; 13:2

 

There can be no blending when there is no effective communication. Couples must learn the art of communication right from their courtship days. Effective communication does not just happen. A lot of investment has to be put in. There are two extremes in communication. One of the couple could be an extrovert and the other an introvert. Usually it is the extrovert that should pioneer the process of establishing an effective communication in the home. His partner, an introvert, most of the time keeps to himself/herself and he/she sees almost every attempt at starting a conversation as a burden. His spouse must not withdraw because of this action. He should rather press on because the prize he will pay for pressing on is far less than what he stands to lose if there is no communication in the home. He should ask leading questions. If not satisfied, he should ask the question in another way. The introvert on her own part therefore should make up her mind to accept the help being given to her. Both of them should discuss this issue and pray together on it.

 

Communication is a two way traffic. The one communicating must make sure that the other person understands what he is saying. He should not assume that he should understand. Everything should be subjected to discussion - finance, feelings, sex, child rearing, in-laws, aspirations, etc. with time, the couple will find out that discussions come naturally.  

 

Negative communication is very dangerous: The Bible says "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth but that which is to edification" Col. 3:8. It is better to keep quiet than to engage in corrupt communication - this can lead to fighting, bitterness, broken relationship etc.

 

4. Acceptance: It is important for the couple to accept each other. They should stop wishing that their spouse "were somebody else" Accepting one another will help the couple to relate well (Gen 2:23). It is important to mention that there are some habits/ personality problems that a man may be engaged in right from childhood. His parents might have tried without success to get him out of this, but the habit is still there, the husband/wife should accept her/him, the place of prayer in this case should not be overlooked, but even while praying there may still be some waiting period and the best dose to diffuse tension at this time is acceptance. The couple should work at changing all that could be changed and pray for grace to accept what they cannot change.

 

Accepting our spouse will reduce tension and the rates of disagreement. It may also help us to find solution to the problem. For example a wife that is not a good cook, instead of quarreling and complaining, the husband should accept that considering her background, she could not do better. He could now help his spouse on how to make blending easier. Assist in cooking or encourage his wife to go for training.

 

5. Appreciation:- There are two ways in which we can look at appreciation. Appreciating our spouse and appreciating what he/she does for us. Every human being loves to be appreciated. Even our heavenly Father loves to be appreciated! That is why He enjoys being called His different names and recounting His various attributes. Men are guiltier of lack of appreciation than women. Most of them simply forget to show appreciation. When a woman puts on a beautiful dress; when she has a new hair-style, when she has shown an act of kindness - she expects the husband to notice these and give kind and encouraging words. When she labours herself out to make sure that the house glows and the children are well dressed. When she cooks delicious meals, just a simple "Dancing for all these efforts" can do a magic. Tiredness disappears and she receives strength to do more. Nobody including the men should be denied appreciation. Say thank you to your husband/wife for every thing he/she does, learn to thank even your children and maidens.

Another way of showing appreciation is to bring home surprise gifts  occasionally or buy emotional cards. Remembering your spouse's birthday and giving birthday presents are ways of showing appreciation. Nobody should be taken for granted.

 

6. Unity:- A pertinent question was asked in Amos 3:3 "Can two work together except they are in agreement?" Of course this is not possible! Unity is very important in marital relationship. The Bible tells us that a house that is divided against itself cannot stand.

 

Agreement stands when the couple starts the day with God. When they jointly present their supplication before Him. Eccl 4: 9-11. In unity many mountains are surmounted, many valleys are filled and a lot of progress - (spiritual and physical) are recorded (Deut. 32:30-31).

 

Couples should plan together, share their feelings. There should be agreement in decision making and in spending Acts 4: 32-35. In some families they claim that they are united while their money is separated. It should not be so. There should be transparent honesty. Consider this marital code - STEPS:

 

S = Stay together/sleep together

T = Talk together

E = Eat together

P = Pray together

S = Serve God together

      Eph. 5: 25-28

 

7. Love: Men are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it Eph. 5:25. So man's love to his wife should be such that:

                     i.            He is able to lay down his life for his wife.

                   ii.            He is able to give himself completely to her.

                  iii.            Must be able to present her without wrinkle or stain or any such thing

a)      See to her spiritual well-being and make sure that she gets to heaven

b)       Prayerfully, caringly and with understanding deal with her until the wrinkles are gone

c)      Nourish and cherish her as the Lord does to the church.

d)       Loving her is loving himself.

 

Love is unconditional:- Jesus loved when we were unlovable, so no man must give the excuse that he cannot love his wife because she is unlovable! I Cor. 13:1-13.

 

8. Submission:- Eph 5:22 Wives are commanded to submit to their own husband as unto the Lord. A woman should know that while carrying on this command of the Lord - she is not doing her husband a favour but she is obeying God.

 

Like love, submission too is not conditional. A wife is not expected to submit only to the loving and caring husband.

 

The only time a woman may refuse to submit to the husband is when his desire is contrary to the will of God.

 

The aforementioned factors are factors when put together make marital relationship successful and blissful.

 

9. True Humility

To be humble enough to say sorry to your spouse, children/housemaid when you are wrong or hurt him/her.

 

10. Total Divine Connection

This will enhance spiritual stability and joy in marital relationship (1 Cor, 15:34).