PRACTICAL WAYS TO NURTURE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS

 

PRACTICAL WAYS TO NURTURE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS

1.00     Preamble:

You have heard it said many times that we, in this part of the world lack a maintenance culture. This is because many grandiose projects in which we invest lots of money often become neglected as soon as they are commissioned and consequently do rot away. This will not be case if we properly maintain them.

A godly family is a marital relationship in which God is seen as the hub of the wheel around which all its activities are defined. It is “an ordinance instituted by God by which a man and a woman through an exchange of vows enter into a lifetime agreement in time presence of God that they might be joined together in a physical and spiritual union that can only be severed by death.”

Experiences have shown that some marriages last while others hit the rocks as soon as the wedding ceremonies arc over. In others, there are rancour, division, malice, individualism, distrusts, etc. Such conflicts threaten the future of the Christian marriage relationships. Why is this so? We understand that the undoing of the first marriage was when the woman was left alone to face “the serpent” What then should be our response in order to ameliorate such situations? The scriptures emphatically teach that God hates divorce thereby ruling out the option of quickly going in for a divorce in the event of a stormy relationship. It is therefore necessary that we all must develop a marriage maintenance culture that will prevent us from getting stuck in the muddy situations that are often the experiences of life. The institution of marriage and family life is in great jeopardy unless urgent steps are taken to ensure a return God’s master plan concerning the home.

Marriage is a dynamic relationship and is subject to varying pressures both from within and on outside. Reactions to these unfolding incidences will to a large extent determine the future of time relationship. As an example, an action that attracted appreciation must be sustained over along period lest it will soon be forgotten. Not continuing it automatically sends a signal that it must have been done with a wrong motive. Thus to nurture a loving relationship, there is the need to develop certain virtues that will promote the well being of the marriage relationship. The dictionary simply defines maintenance as ‘keep up’, ‘retain’ or ‘continue’. Thus nurturing a marriage relationship is comparable to that practiced by vehicle owners to ensure they get the best out of them. Therefore any action by any or both of the spouses in a marriage relationship done to keep, retain or continue in the ideals for which God instituted the marital relationship can be regarded as a marriage maintenance & structure.

After buying any appliance, it is absolutely important that you spend some time to go through the instruction manual accompanying it so that you can get an optimal return for your investment. The story was told of a university graduate who after the mandatory one-year national service secured a lucrative job with facility to buy a car. He bought the car with a year’s guarantee stipulating the readiness of the manufacturer to replace the vehicle subject to certain conditions. Few weeks later, the engine slowed down and finally stopped. Every effort to get it started proved abortive. Confident that the car was still under warranty, he called the auto company to lodge a complaint. The technician discovered that the car was driven without enough lubricating oil in the engine sump. The hope of getting a replacement failed since such a condition voided his warranty. A simple routine check before driving off or perhaps noting the warning lights on the dashboard could have saved him all the embarrassment. The conclusion of the whole matter is that he lacked a maintenance culture,

The needed action to nurture a marriage relationship is synonymous with the maintenance culture which most of the time is inbuilt into the sub-conscious mind of any vehicle user. They are:

a)                    Checks before starting the vehicle,

b)                   Checks immediately after starting and running the engine.

c)                    Routine checks after specified period of usage.

d)                   Repairs in the event of a breakdown.

2.00  Hints for Both Husband and Wives:

As there are rules guiding the game of soccer as in other sports so are there rules guiding the marriage relationship if it is to be enjoyed. The manual for marriage and the family living is the Bible as it gives the genesis of how and why God instituted it. Genesis 2: 24 clearly state the principal conditions that must be met if the relationship is to fulfill God’s purpose for instituting marriage. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (KJV) Monogamy is the ideal form of marriage relationship from the Bible but today we have many varieties like serial monogamy, polygamy, polyandry, homosexuality, lesbianism, trial marriages, unequal yokes etc.

There are common rules that affect both partners in the relationship while others relate to each of them. All through the scriptures, we have general and specific principles that are expected to guide the Christian in

making decisions on issues relating to their marriage and family relationships.

This passage referred to above is emphatic on a two-stage outlook at marriage and family life if it is to he Biblical. It expects a LEAVING before a CLEAVING. The leaving deals with the choice and entry into the family life through a holy wedlock while the second stage deals on how to build the relationship. Here, I will discuss more on the second stage, i.e., how to nurture the marriage relationship. Proverbs 24:3 says, “Any enterprise is built by wise planning, becomes strong through common sense, and profits wonderfully by keeping abreast of the facts.” Using the word CLEAVING as an acronym, I will discuss eight vital ingredients that you need to work upon if you want to enjoy your marital life.

(i) Crucified life: When two balloons filled with air are brought together, they will always bounce hack. However, if only one is deflated, it will be very easy keeping them both together. So it is with a marriage relationship. It is human to think you are doing more than the other party in a relationship but you have to watch out if you desire a good relationship. If you want a lasting relationship, he crucified to self, sin and the world. Christ taught us to take out the logs in our own eyes before attempting to remove the specks from other people’s eye. Admit your faults and adjust accordingly. Paul had to go through this same process before he could impact the life of others with the grace of God. “1 have been crucified with Christ: and I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And the real life I now have within this body is a result of my trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not one of those who treats Christ’s death as meaningless. “Live a crucified life.

(ii) Love your spouse. True love is the biding force that holds the fabrics of a marriage relationship together. 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8 give the attributes of true agape love. “Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defeating him. All the special gifts and powers from God will someday come to an end, but loves goes on forever. Someday prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge-these gifts will disappear.” Loving sometimes may be easy while at other times it may be difficult. The Bible expects an unconditional love like Christ had for us between mates in a marriage relationship. The love exhibited towards the wayward prodigal son in the gospel narrative demonstrates how love can repair bridges of broken relationships. Solomon says true love is “strong as death, while “Many waters cannot quench the flame of love, neither can the floods drown it”. It should be part of your daily prayers that God should give you a holy love towards your mate.      

(iii) Exercise yourself unto godliness. Paul in I Timothy 4: 7-8 advices us to be like sports men who over a long period engage in physical exercise to attain excellence. “Spend your time and energy in the exercise of keeping spiritually fit. Bodily exercise is all right, but spiritual exercise is much more important and is a tonic for all you do. So exercise yourself spiritually, and practice being a better Christian because that will help you not only now in this life, but in the next life too”. If you want to enjoy your marriage, learn to study the scriptures together. Ignorance of the scriptures is like sailing without a compass. Ephesians 5: 22-23 has a record of what should be the role of husbands and wives in a relationship. The Family altar must be daily and the sharing should be at everybody’s level. It should not be a long dry sermonization. Fast and pray together. Share ministry together and help each other to develop their spiritual gifts and talents. All these will go along way to build a bridge of confidence between the spouses before the ‘evil days” come.

(iv) Appreciate your spouse. Develop the habit of appreciating your spouse from the onset. This Adam did the moment Eve was brought to him. “This is it.!” Adam exclaimed. ‘She is part of my own flesh! Her name ‘woman’ because she was taken out of man” Genesis 2: 23.

Excitement such as are common in the early days of the relationship should continue through your marital life. However, experiences shows that they often fade away with the ageing of the marriage. Complaints, murmurings and competition become the daily experience. Never forget your wives birthday or your wedding anniversary and be ready to make a special treat with it. St. Augustine noted for us the fact that God took a bone from the rib of man close to his heart to signify the need to show love to the wife and as a sign of equality.

Submission as expected of the woman in a marriage relationship may not conic easily but has to he earned. God created the woman as a compliment to man. One is incomplete without the other. The man thinks with the head while the woman doe’s it with the heart.

(v) Visionaries: You must have a vision for life that is greater than your own immediate needs. This vision must he shared and owned by both spouses. King Solomon said “where the ye are no vision the people will waste away their lives.” (Proverbs 28: 19) Spouses must have a common idea of something they cart do to promote the Kingdom of God and benefit the lives of others. Acts of Apostles and the epistles are filled with records of individuals and families that were not ministers but did much to assist the apostles. See Acts 18: 24-28, Romans 16’ 3-12. Your family would brighten the corner where the Lord has planted them.

(vi) Intimacy from the initial, a close in relationship to the exclusion of others is expected of the first family as recorded in Genesis 2: 25 “Now although the man and his wife were both naked neither was embarrassed or ashamed.” (TLB) Thus, they must be transparent and opened to one another in all manner of interaction between themselves. This is the sure way to build a bridge of trust that can sustain the relationship in difficult times. You should not keep any secret from our partner, no matter how grievous. Some cannot tell their Spouses how much they are worth. Others go to the extent of investing in real estates without the knowledge of their spouses. Marriage is like the relationship between the snail and its shell. The moment they are separated, it is dead. Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 applies. Your marriage should ho given a priority of the first place before all others forms of associations.

vii) No divorce: The marriage covenant includes the clause, “until death do us part.” Marriage is therefore an association that is expected to go on as long as both partners are alive. The pressures that come upon a marriage are enormous. When these problems come, three options are opened to the marriage partners. The first will be to call it quit. If you go into marriage with the mind of calling it quit if it doesn’t work, you will end up with a divorce. This is against the law of God, as He hates a divorce. The second option is to endure and miss out on the joy of a marriage relationship. Not doing anything to ameliorate the situation is wrong. Don’t accept it as a cross. Marriage is to be enjoyed not just to be endured. As Robert Schuler said, “Tough times never last, but tough people do.” Do something about it and enjoy your relationship. The third option will be the application of charity kind of love. It works when you apply the oil of true agape love to the rusty wheels of your marriage relationship.

(ix) Give your best: Marriage is giving and not a matter of give and take if you want to build a relationship that lasts. Christ taught the principle of forgiving as many as 490 times in a day. No matter the hurts and feelings about the past you can go the extra mile and change the atmosphere in the home. A study of II Chronicles 33: 1-22 will show an example of how God can intervene in the life of any man and the best out of a difficult situation. Manasseh who made Judah to commit whoredom repaired the altar of the Lord after haven been humbled by Him. If you have an unbelieving spouse, don’t give up on him/her. Go the extra mile because as long as there is life, there is hope.

3.00     Hints for the Husband:

Sometimes ago, during a telecast by Ruth Benemesia Opia on the popular Sunday evening programme NEWSLINE the Nigerian Television Authority network (NTA) that featured a boy and a girl in the search of their fathers. To round it up, the ace broadcaster said most of those featured in their programmes in the recent pasts have all been looking for their fathers! Where on earth could the biological fathers of these young ones be? Let me pointedly ask you listening to me that same question. Man, are your children looking for you?

May be you feel that question doesn’t concern you because you don’t travel much and have not separated from your wife. That may be true to some extent but let me tell you that there are many physically present but emotionally distant fathers. We now have many “physically present but absent dads” and “feminised males” who abdicate their roles to their wives.

Let us to look at what men can do in order to nurture the marriage relationship. Paul in 1 Corinthians 14: 20 said we should be “men in understanding.” There is a vital contribution the man as the husband can make and the results will be most gratifying. We need men who are fathers in deed. Using the word FATHERS as an acronym, I will here mention what men can do.

(i)       FRONTLINERS: Men are should be leaders showing how to navigate through the stormy waters of life. They must have a clear picture of what the future holds. We find such examples in Job who offered sacrifices for the purification of his children per adventure they have sinned against God. (Job 1:4 — 5) Pro 31: 23 refers to such a man as someone who is recognisable among the elders in the gate. Joseph saw himself as having been sent ahead of his brethren even though they maltreated him. (Gen. 50: 20) The gravity of a wrong directing the affairs of the home can he seen from the mistake of Ebimelech in calling his family out of Bethlehem as a result of famine. Naomi returned after losing her husband and two sons in the land of Moab. (Ruth 1: 1-2, 21) Men, I suppose, have a tendency to be more selfish than women. You must guard against this weakness and make it a habit to bend over backwards in being thoughtful and playing fair. When man wants something, regardless of what it costs, he wants it at once, whether he can afford it or not. A husband who desires a happy home must guard against this weakness, for it creates a lack of balance in the home and makes for discontentment. Subdue the habit of being set in your ways. Develop flexibility. Do, take your wife’s advice and at least, consider it with profound respect. A woman’s instincts are usually safe to follow. Please note that your wife will seldom miss it when she says to you. “Honey, I have a feeling we are making a wrong move”.

(ii)      AFFECTIONATE: Men have been obligated by the scriptures to love their wives. (Eph 5: 25) One wonders why this instruction has to be specifically given to men. She wants tenderness. Men have an innate proneness to take the wife for granted, wrap themselves in business and recreation, and give her little attention. Findings reveal that many wives are starving for affection. On the other hand, the tendency to be wild in love and affection has been shown by men both in the scriptures and contemporary history. Jacob served 14 years to secure Rachael in marriage. (Gen 29: 19 — 29) Fathers have shown extra ordinary loves as in the case of David for his son Absalom (2 Kings 19:2) and the returning prodigal son in the gospels. (Luke 15: 20) History tells us that King Henry VIII caused the division of the English church with the Roman Catholic Church because he desired a second wife. He abdicated the throne and went into exile with the woman of his love. True love and affection for the wife and children solidifies a family giving the needed fortitude to face challenges. {See some common-beliefs about women that you should avoid as listed in the summary) Husband must of necessity love their wives as a matter of duty. A womanly wife wants affection, not just sex. You must understand that your wife craves a sense of security. She wants someone on whom she can lean. If she does not get this feeling of security from you, she may hunt for it elsewhere or give up in despair. She wants a strong arm of protection around her. She likes to feel your support.

(iii)    TOUGHNESS: Men need to be tough and courageous if they are to succeed in their roles as fathers. Against all odds, the Philistines advised themselves to quit like men and fight Israel and they won. (1 Sam 4) Men must be tough and courageous to withstand the vagaries of life. (IF Poem) This however does not mean he should become a bully or a terror to both the wife and the children. The story was told of a man who made life miserable to his wife and the children. His four children held a meeting in the absence of their dad and on his return; they sought an audience with him. With the eldest in the front and the youngest behind them, the most elderly spoke on the behalf of the rest. He said, they have decided that this is their father’s house and that he should pack out and go to his father’s house. He got the message and had to come down to the level of relating with the children.

(iv)    HOLY: Today’s society equates manhood with sexual prowess, aggression and chauvinism and that does little to uphold the standard of the word of God. Experience today shows men are quick to allow their greed and passion to control them. Statistics shows that men commit 90% of most crimes. However the standard of the scriptures is that all men should live holy. God expects men everywhere to pray lifting up holy hands (1Tim 2:1) Job exemplified holiness in generation (Job 1:8) Husband must he godly example and head of the home. The sin of adultery by David was later repeated in many folds by Solomon his son. (2 Sam 12: 19-29; 1 Kings 11: 1 — 6) Proverbs 25: 16, 28 describe the danger in living in such unholy manner both on the person and the whole family. He must aspire to be what God wants a husband and father to be. He should prove to the wife and children and to the world that he is godly, holy, clean in his life, devout and prayerful and humble and living in his contact with others. Let him be the priest in his home guiding them in prayer, Bible study and church going, and as well as in discipline. For such a man the wife will hold him in high esteem and accord him the needed leadership to maintain a happy marriage relationship.

(v)        EDUCATOR: Men are to see to the training and education of members of their household. Abraham had a commendation from God for so doing. (Gen 18: 19) Moses instructed families in Israel to see that they are taught the law of God. (Deut 6: 4 - 6) As a father, I had great joy in taking my son through his driving lesson and was thrilled about the courage he developed overtime and finally got it. He later was helping me to drive when I go about my preaching engagement. I remember watching his reaction when he had a flat tyre at high speed in one of the journeys. I was glad he took courage to continue with the drive after changing the tyre. The forthcoming generation need models and mentors that they should easily find in their fathers.

(vi)    REPRODUCE THEMSELF: Men have the cultural mandate to reproduce after their own likeness. (Gen 1: 28) The word father actually stands for ancestor. Abraham is generally regarded as the ancestor of the Jewish race. (Rom 4:14-17) God expects both biological and spiritual offspring from men in the fulfillment of their purpose. Paul talks of some of his spiritual children in his epistles. (1 Corinthians 4: 14-15; 2Tim 2: 1-2) Your successes as a man is to the glory of the whole family don’t do it all alone. Your wife wants you to confide in her. She wants to be the most important person in your life and she should be. She is not herein asking the unreasonable. She wants you to succeed and she likes to feel she helped push you over the top. She likes to feel necessary and wanted. She loves spontaneous compliments and will pay her last coin of devotion for a few of the right kind of thoughtful remarks. Men need to break down the tendency to be aloof. Your wife does not like to feel that she is being shoved off as an inferior whose advice is inconsequential or unsafe, She likes to be wanted and needed. She loves the close feeling of partnership. She is not a mere fixture or accessory; she is a ‘help meet.’ God intended her to be your companion. Accept her criticism, even though it is one of the hardest things a man can do sometimes. She undoubtedly sees your weaknesses and she will make you strong where you are inherently weak if you will allow her.

(vii)   SUPPLIER: This role by men is well accepted but there are men who fail in the discharge of this obligation. Others in the pursuit of more money earn the money but do not have the time for the wife and children. Good as the gargets may be around the home, it cannot be a substitute for the love and affection that your wife and children expect from you. Your wife also wants to be free from financial worries. She does not want her husband to spend much of his time and money on his hobbies and begrudge her the little things she craves. She wants your attention. She naturally resents your being extravagant with yourself and your wants (which is a man’s weakness) and irritable when she desires a new dress! Learn by deliberate practice (forced if necessary) to make adjustments between you and your wife, which are difficult to make. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this practice. Do this for the sake of harmony and the security of your home. These adjustments do not make themselves. Many inter-personality problems will disintegrate once we face them.

4.00 Hints for the Wife:

The wife also has a solemn responsibility too. If you really want to make married life ‘click,” perhaps these suggestions will help her in contributing her own quota in making the relationship a success. I am using the word MOTHERS as an acronym

(i)      MOTHERLY: Mummy is the child’s most usual word for mother. The woman must truly be seen as someone capable of taking care of her husband and her children in a unique manner. Your husband wants to be first in your affections, not even the children pushing him out of this position. Children should be an adhesive to hold you together rather than a wedge to push you apart. My companion, for example, has always made it a point to teach her little boy to love his daddy and to make him believe his daddy is the nicest daddy in the world. Any thing she can do to bind us closer together, she will do it. I’ve known her to whisper a “hug’’ into the little fellow’s ear and he would run, as though it were his own idea, wind his little arms around his daddy’s neck and give him a big ‘smacker’ on the cheek.

(ii)     OBEISANCE: Obeisance in this case means a deep show of respect for the husband. The scripture teaches that the wife must be in subjection to her husband. (I Cor 11:3; Eph 5: 22 - 24; 1 Pet 3: 1, 6) He likes you to believe he is a hero -- the greatest “guy” in the world. And he can be as far as you are concerned, and should be. Be ready to obey the laws of your husband. (Num 30: 3 — 15) Discipline yourself not to challenge your husband’s wisdom and authority in the presence of the children when he has corrected or punished them, unless you wish to borrow trouble. If these things must be discussed, it should be done quietly and in private. This, too, works both ways and its importance cannot he over-emphasized

(iii)         TACTFUL: Tact means skill and understanding by somebody who handles people and situation successfully without causing an offence. There are many examples of women who did so in the Bible. Abigail I Sam 25; Esther Est 5; Mary the mother of Jesus Jn 2: 1 — 5; and in the negative direction, Delilah tricked Samson into the hands of the Lords of the Philistines. Jud 16. You must know how to relate very well with your in-laws and your parents. Unless you keep your. Parents in their proper place, you will multiply sorrows upon your own head (this works both ways). One of the worst things you can do after you are married is to try to live in the same house with either parent. It is far better to live in a rented apartment elsewhere on a tight string budget and maintain the privacy of your own home. He likes you to be playful; it breaks the tensions. No matter how rough it had been in the office, your husband knows there is a spot of sunshine waiting for him at the end of the day. So, when the day’s work is over, he can hardly wait to get home to be with you. Your man likes appreciation also. If he hears you bragging on him when he is thought not to be listening, he will prick up his ears and stare blankly at the newspaper that you think he is reading. But he is making a mental note of it all, and you are keeping yourself on the inside track.

(iv)    HOMEMAKER: Your husband wants sunshine in the home. This is a mighty sour old world, sometimes, and he wants a spot of sunshine he can always come into out of the storm. Proverbs 31: 10 — end on the virtuous woman applies. He also would like you to be clean in your habits, in the preparation of food, in your keeping of the home, and in your personal habits in general. A clean man cannot “cleave,” as the Bible admonishes him to do, to someone who is unclean and repulsive. Your husband loves special attention. He likes to be petted and “made over” more than he may be willing to give of the same. When he is sick he wants to be “babied.” This fact has to be understood and accepted by you. He likes to find his little notions, in your cooking, your housekeeping, and in your personal appearance, spontaneous. He may not say much, but he is noticing more that you think sometimes. These things are all sinking in and are making a mark in your favour.

(v)     EMOTIONALLY BALANCED: Your husband wants, and has a right to expect you to be a good wife. He is not content simply with a good cook or a good housekeeper. This is to be expected. Your responsibility here is included also in the marriage vow. One who wished to fill the role of an “old maid,” should never have gotten married. If your attitude toward normal sex experience is such that your husband feels embarrassed or is made to endure a guilt complex as though he had “stolen” something, your basic attitude should be revised. Your mental pattern in this phase of life’s responsibility should be very much the same as it is when you cook a fine meal and your husband eats heartily and leans back from the table in complete contentment. One other thought: your husband will not be nearly so inclined to form evil habits if you play fair and treat him as you should in this regard. Accustom your inner ear so as to keep your companion’s voice the sweetest music in the world. It has been rightly said that the two doors to a man’s heart are good food and sexual satisfaction.

(vi)    RELIABLE: Your husband wants privacy. Many things that happen are not for publicity. He will feel miserable, self-conscious, humiliated, and resentful if he thinks your friends and relatives know everything that has happened between you. He wants a woman he can trust. He is satisfied only when he can leave you with anyone, even your mother, and be confident that his secrets are locked up within you.

(vii)   SPIRITUAL: He wants you to be content with such things as he can provide. He does not enjoy nagging or constant complaining. It is better to get along with less than to be pressed to the point of frustration by indebtedness for things one cannot afford. Being happy with less is a matter of self-discipline. The advice by Apostle Peter in I Peter 3:3 —5 applies.